Road to Recovery

Start of Random Thought

First a disclaimer:  I am using this blog as a tool to help me heal and express how I think and feel. At times, the content I write resonates with the reader, it can make the reader internalize the words and extrapolate their own conclusions (or learnings) from the experiences I share. This is nothing more than a coincidence; there are plenty of blogs out there that attempt to tell people how they should lead their life, this is not one of them. This is a simple desire to provoke thought and dialogue

End of Random Thought

With every passing day I become more accepting of my current situation. It is not fun or easy but every day it becomes more manageable. My life has changed in a big way and I can use this opportunity to re-invent myself and improve. My intention is to maximize this opportunity and get to most I can out of it. How do I plan on doing that? Great question, I’m glad you asked.

The most important aspect of this is to stay focused on one key concept. That key concept is to do everything for the right reasons. Examples include but are not limited to:

Getting a college degree to make your parents proud or get them off your back. Get it because you want it and you think it will benefit you.

Or,

Buying a house or car (or anything) to impress other people, get it because it makes you happy.

Or,

Proving anyone (including yourself) that you can do this or do that. Do it because it makes you happy.

I always pay attention to the reasoning behind why people do what they do.  In my case, I want to improve not to attract my future partner or to make my exes jealous or remorseful; I want to do it because I want to be all around better.  I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge and applying this new found knowledge to my everyday life. I always strive to do things correctly and for the right reasons, even when it is not easy or popular.

I have done a lot of work to regain my ability to concentrate and not let the recent breakup distract me too much. I have struggled with this for a long time. I think it is very important to be in the moment and appreciate what you are currently doing (even if the task is mundane). Being present in the NOW is easy when you are snowboarding, shooting or diving. It’s not something that is common while you are washing dishes, driving or doing laundry. This is good because now I can concentrate on my present task which is growing in a positive direction.

I already established that things have to be done for the right reasons.  What’s next? I have come up with concrete targets to improve on and a plan to carry them out.

Ask yourself the following questions: If you had no limitations what would you like to be doing? How would you earn a living? Are you currently the type of person you want to be?

Since my last and recent breakup, I have already grown immensely.  My capacity for pain and tolerance has increased. Through my writing and hardship I have gained a better understanding of myself and the people around me. I have had different conversations with old friends that have led to new perspectives and conclusions, also resulting in better relationships with these individuals. I feel more mature which is weird for me to admit because I still consider myself a man-boy most of the time (given the choice I would eat a bag of cool ranch Doritos for dinner, wash it down with a Kool-aid while playing Street Fighter II Turbo and call my friend a pineapple head while I proceed to talk trash).

Those are already great things, but my intent is to maximize this opportunity so I will add more to the list. I like making lists, it is an easy way to visualize all the different components ahead.  So I made a list of all the things I want to achieve in order to improve.

Start of Random Thought

I have always liked puzzles. My most recent ex also liked puzzles. My last Christmas gift to her was the largest jigsaw puzzle in the world (30,000 pieces). That always seemed like a large number but sometimes I feel like my heart was broken in double that amount and piecing it together has proven to be very challenging and exhausting; but I’m making good progress and a lot of my friends stop by often to help out.

End of Random Thought

Similar to my method for dissecting problems, I also have a method for working on several problems at once.

Life doesn’t present us with challenges in serial fashion; on the contrary, it typically likes to give us several challenges at once to harden us and test us. So the strategy I adopted recognizes that we normally have more than one challenge at a given time. The strategy was borrowed from a book I read that discussed how to manage your financial life. In the book the author postulates that the best way to handle multiple debts is to pay the minimum payment amount on all debts except for the smallest debt; you should seek to pay the maximum amount you can on that small debt with the intent of paying it off quicker. I think this achieves two very important things:

a.       It gives you a clear path and helps you eliminate all the small debts. With time, the small debts disappear and the medium debts become the small debts (until you have no debt). You feel less overwhelmed because you have effectively decreased the amount of parties you owe money too.

b.      It reinforces good habits and helps you get positive momentum

Not only did I adopt this in my financial life but for everything in my life. I always tackle problems and challenges from small to big. In this case,  I consider small targets all the things I need to do to polish some of the good habits I have that I like. For example,

In recent days, my friend describe me as true “G”. I asked her, “Why do you describe me as a Gangster?” and she replied “Not gangster, gentleman”.  I do try to be a gentleman and I wish I could take credit for it. But the reality is that my Grandpa beat that into me since I was young. He smacked my head so many times for not taking my hat off when I lady walked into the room or elevator that I decided it was better not to wear a hat (thus I don’t wear hats or baseball caps). He took the time to show me all kinds of things that in his view point all gentlemen should do. How to open doors properly, the value of a good handshake, which side of the road to walk when you are walking with a girl, etc. Some of it stuck and some of it I tweaked to fit modern standards. Improving in this area should be simple and easy, I already have a solid base to build on. Easy win.

Another easy target for improvement should be my overall fitness level and health. Working out 5 times a week is not hard to do and curving my eating habits has been fairly easy. I still over indulge from time to time, but since the breakup I have managed to lose 22 pounds. 22 pounds is enough to warrant a new wardrobe. Another friend recently pointed out that all my clothes looked like they belong to someone else because they looked too big on me. To remedy this I went shopping and bought 2 pairs of jeans and 5 shirts that were M instead of L and yes the new clothes do look like belong to me.  I got some positive feedback so I will re-up my wardrobe once I achieve my desired fitness level.

My list also includes medium and large size targets that with time I hope to tackle and improve. Some of them I already started working on: enhance my writing skills, become a better dancer and increase proficiency in culinary pursuits.  Some of the bigger targets encompass doing the best I can to heal my foot and regain mobility on it, volunteer more time and resources to people who may need it, be more approachable and achieve a better balance in all aspects of my life.

So generally speaking, I will work on all the low hanging fruit first and work my way up to the harder to reach items later.

I’m excited about all of these changes, despite all the growth I have achieved in the past few months or so, I feel like I have a lot more to learn and improve on. I am committed to achieving my goals and the hard work ahead. Hopefully it will result in an improved version of the person I am today.

Start of Random Thought

Ultimately, I think everyone is doing exactly that they want to do.  

Individuals who complain about their current situation, prefer to complain than actually fix it. If they devoted half of the energy spent complaining they would have fixed their situation.

When I examine all the individuals in a given area, I don’t see any victims, villains or heroes, just a bunch of people doing exactly what they want to do. Words are cheap, actions is all I use to evaluate someone’s character.

End of Random Thought

Who wants to be a millionaire?

I used to love that show. Some TV game shows are too hard (Jeopardy) and others a little too easy. My favorite trivia TV game shows are “Cash cab” and “Who wants to be a millionare?” I felt like my random collection of trivia knowledge coupled with my good guessing skills would help me in those game formats.  Here are two my all-time favorite million dollar questions:

Q: A number one followed by one hundred zeros is known by what name?

A: Googol

Q:  What letter must appear at the beginning of the registration number of all non-military aircraft in the U.S.?

A: N

The first one I knew right away.  The second one was a bit easy too since my family has a lot of plane enthusiasts. Or so I thought until I met Ananda’s family, but allow me to digress back to the subject at hand. The million dollar question. The question everyone has asked me since Ananda broke off our relationship.

We had recently returned from a trip to Guatemala to scout wedding venues, hotels and catering. Deposits were put down for several of these things and we settled on a date. Saturday November 12th 2016. I had begun the process of asking my groomsmen to be a part of the wedding. Ananda was very much in love with me when she left. We had upcoming vacations and made plans regarding our future living arrangements. Ananda went on full bride mode which surprised all of us. From within the relationship, I felt very secure (ironically) with Ananda and I supported her professionally, personally and with anything she needed. At this point, Ananda was still the girl of my dreams, because well she still wanted to be with me.

In a way I was the face of the relationship, the public relations guy. I’m used to answering the “How is Ananda or where is she now?” type of question. Except that now we are not together and I either had to lie or share the news. I always opted for the latter and people were:

• Always shocked

• Asked “What happened?”

This post will attempt to answer the million dollar question (What happened?). To do so, I will leverage some of the concepts I have previously introduced (namely My art work, 12^th arrow and The Prestige). Let’s get into it shall we?

Subtopic#1: My Art Work

Ananda and I grew a lot together. We learned from each other. We both wanted to build an awesome future. I was really proud of the woman she had become and all the growth she had achieved. When she said she wanted to be more “like me” and travel the world to get out of her shell, I did not anticipate this outcome. Trying to be “like me” she missed a critical component of what makes me, me. Respect. If she had any respect for me she could have handled an already difficult breakup in a matter befitting of the time we spent together. I know its possible because I have done it. Ananda made a lot of positive contributions to my life that I will carry on to future relationships.

Ananda’s IQ (intelligence quotient) is off the charts. Without a doubt a very smart and creative individual. She is not only scientifically inclined and capable working with her hands but also a hell of an artist in most of her endeavors. She has limitless capacity and can accomplish almost any task. Her EQ (emotional quotient) on the other hand was underdeveloped. EQ to me is just a measurement of how much work you have invested in your personal development. 

Comparatively speaking, Ananda’s IQ and EQ were probably rated at a 9 and 4 respectively (out of 10). On the other hand, I’m probably closer to 8(IQ) or 8(EQ). Did that help me in this case? No. However, in future partners I will seek a higher EQ that is closer to mine.

It always seemed like Ananda had like a 6 or 7 EQ, but that was not the case. Ananda has always been able to examine objects in her surrounding, she will spend hours examining contraptions. If she spent 1% of that time looking inwards and understanding herself her EQ would be a 10.

Start of Random Thought

Life is simple. Life is about choices. Those choices lead to decisions and decisions have rewards and consequences. That’s it.

End of Random Thought

We can make IQ based decisions or EQ based decisions. Which is better? A balance between the two of course. I made IQ based decisions all my teenage years (and it got me ahead of the curve in many ways) and then at the age of twenty, I flipped the script. I made only emotional based decisions (sometimes disappointing my parents and others) and learned a very valuable lesson. Most of the decisions I make are based on how I feel (EQ). I am also very self-aware and I then realized that my EQ based decisions are often the same as the logical path I would have chosen (IQ). For example, choosing to spend the rest of my life with Ananda at the time was not only what i felt like doing but was also a very logical choice for me. We call that a win win.

In contrast, Ananda always made IQ based decisions that differ greatly from EQ based decision. She always chose the outcome that would benefit her the most (logically speaking). The decision to travel for an extended period of time solo was the first emotional decision she ever made and of course it was exciting and scary. She was hooked on these feelings.

The important thing here is to appreciate the timing. It is my opinion that kids should be kids… not tiny adults. Teenagers should get in trouble and people in college should be irresponsible from time to time. If you are too logical and skip these phases you end up having a mid-life existential crisis or buying a tricked out Fast and Furious car at the age of 50. You should seek to do everything in a natural order because I think it yields optimal results. Ananda shared that she constantly suppressed her desire to follow her emotions for such long time that it lead to this rebellious stage late in her life. You can’t negotiate or reason with rebels or teenagers because guess what? Biters going to bite and rebels are going to rebel. You just have to let it happen. So even if I wanted to convince her in Europe to reconsider our relationship it would have been futile and have failed.

When you put your artwork on a pedestal and the ground shakes, the art work will fall from the pedestal and often break.

Start of Random Thought

This process is hard, but writing helps. My intent is always to be transparent and truthful about how I feel. Following your own advice on matters of the heart is hard.

I have been taking private dance lessons for 2 weeks now. It has made a huge difference in my ability to lead. One thing that does suck is the studio I go to for my private instruction also prepares engaged couples for their wedding dance. So every time I go to class, I share the dance floor with another couple practicing to get their groove on on their wedding night. I got all choked up the other day thinking about what Ananda and I would have choreographed and what song we would have chosen. Ananda has always liked break dancers, so for our wedding I was already planning on hiring a crew to come put up a good show and surprise her. That is definitely not happening anymore.

On that note, I love Guatemala. I was looking forward to our wedding down there with all of her family, mine and our friends from all over. I wanted to share a little of where I come from with everyone. We had some cool plans lined up to do before the wedding with our bridal party and our cousins and I was looking forward to the food (of course).  

End of Random Thought

Subtopic #2: The 12^th arrow

It is important to communicate things clearly. I have avoided this subject, but in doing so its clear that the story is missing a few key items. Things don't add up. This is that last thing I needed to accept to move on.  This is a hard truth to swallow. The idea of this section is to accept the hard truths today so they do not interfere with your healing moving forward. What was the specific factor that lead to our break up? Take one guess? Yup you guessed it correctly.

Start of Random Thought

I have always tried to find a good and precise definition for the word "intuition". Think about a good way to define it. The best definition I found describes it as nothing more than pattern recognition. Your subconscious ability to recognize patterns and send messages or warnings to you conscious being. I trust my intuition more than I trust myself, mainly because its often right.

Remember if you are doing most of the talking, you are not learning. Nobody learns from listening to themselves talk more.

End of Random Thought

Flirting turned into temptation; Temptation turned into curiosity which then lead to another guy.

Another guy. Let’s call him…hhmmm…. Juan Luis. Actually that’s his real name, so we will just call him by his name. I know about him because I confronted Ananda about him. She was naturally uncomfortable sharing information with her fiancée regarding her new romantic interest but years of hardship have harden my shell and I asked the tough questions and got tough answers back. 

What do Juan Luis and I have in common:

• We share the same first name

• We also shared Ananda’s attention, affection and heart for a few weeks. He can have that now.

• We are both certified scuba divers

• We both kissed Ananda

I’m sure there are other things we have in common. Here is the one key component that sets us apart: He is new, different and exciting. I can have the best attributes of all men (which I don't) but after 8 years I’m not new and different. I'm just me and you have to take it or leave it (spoiler alert: Ananda did not take it). Ananda told me in a conversation she liked him and was interested in pursuing their fling further. She talked to him often (she admitted to that after a few lies).  Now if that was tough to read, imagine how hard it was to write it out? Supremely hard. Trust me. Living through it was rough too. Luckily for me, I have been rejected before.

I reminded Ananda that I was her fiancée and not to throw our relationship away so quickly, but that didn’t stop her. She originally broke up with me in the subway station. I asked her if she was sure and she said let me think about it. The rest is history (apparently there wasn't much to think about). 

My intuition is especially accurate. I have met others that have a keenly developed intuition too. Intuitions are like algorithms that attempt to detect patterns. The detection will be more accurate with more data and sample points. I think you can attribute a well developed accurate intuition to 3 factors: you have to be aware, very observant and you need to recall facts, events and conversations with ease. I can do all three of these with little effort.  I will share the following intuition i concluded after carefully examining a bunch of pieces of data. Ananda's response or (lack thereof in this case), assisted in corroborating it.

**Start of Intuition**

I recognized a pattern I could not ignore. After we broke up, Ananda went back to meet up with Juan Luis. Instead of continuing her journey east bound towards Asia, she went back to the first area she visited and met up with him (in his hometown). I’m sure they were being affectionate as soon as they saw each other and he was there to comfort her and reassure her that she was a great girl and everything was going to be ok. Juan Luis is a scuba diver and Ananda was going to Southeast Asia to dive. I’m pretty sure they are there together now (or at some point were) based on the information Ananda and I exchanged. The reason that is hard to accept is because Ananda and I were supposed to spend part of our honeymoon in Southeast Asia diving. Life is ironic sometimes and it always has a sense of humor. They are having their own version of a honeymoon. Yup, In case you are wondering that one hurts to accept too.

**End of Intution**

Should I hate or feel bitterness towards Ananda or some random guy? Maybe, but I don't. JP 10 years ago probably would have. This current version of myself understands that this happens often. I always say it: life is short, don't waste time. I can't be mad at someone because they actually listened and stopped wasting their time with me and followed what they thought was right. I know its a novelty concept but if you don't want to be with somebody just leave. If you are leaving try to do it in the best way possible. And if you are "getting left" (like me) don't diminish your own value or internalize the event like some Greek tragedy. 

Start of Random Thought

Do today what other won’t, so tomorrow you can do what others can’t. I recently read this somewhere and i like it.

Keep your head high in defeat (and breakups) and head low in victory ( except in video games and board games if you win brag as much as you can ). 

In life you will lose often. If you are like most of us you will also experience your fair share of rejection. Try to always be a good loser. Understand that only do you have to take risks but also make compromises. Never be the smartest guy in the room. There is always someone better than you in any activity or thing you do. That should be a humbling notion. Even if you are ranked #1, give it a little time, someone from the new generation will come and take your title.

Just look at my situation, I was Ananda's priority, until of course I wasn't anymore.

End of Random Thought

I’m confident I’m not the first person on this planet that was taken for granted and then replaced by something new and shiny. Whatever he has and did, negated 8 years and an engagement in an instance. So I can only assume he is a much better fit for Ananda than I ever was. He was able to do in a few weeks what I couldn't do in 8 years. It is also possible that Ananda’s current rebellious state caused her to make a rushed decision based solely on attraction and the idea of a guy. Or maybe her bad memory kicked in and forgot how much I meant to her. I have suffered enough, I don’t have the energy and frankly I don’t care. Thankfully, I live in a world were not only can I be happy but everyone else can be too at the same time (that includes Ananda and every single person in the planet). So I'm moving on. Watching the arrow fly thru the air and hit the target with all its energy feels good.

It is also important to recognize that whoever comes next will get an improved version of me. This bad experience with Ananda will not tarnish future relationships.

Eventually, Juan Luis’ will also not be new and shiny either.  

Also with time, Ananda will want to share her happiness and may not find that desire reciprocated.

So is the answer to the million dollar question Juan Luis happened? No. Of course not. It could have been any guy or no guy at all. The actual person is not important. This is between Ananda and I. The answer to the million dollar question is simple: Ananda concluded that her life is better without me in it. Very simple concept, but one that was very hard for me to admit and accept. I gave Ananda everything I could  (including space and freedom) and it wasn't enough ( at least I can go to sleep knowing I tried). Thus, the 12th arrow.

Start of Random Thought

Do not be a person whose reach exceeds his grasp. Deep stuff. Think about it.

When we first broke up, every time my phone rang I hoped it was Ananda. In my imagination she would call to try to get back with me somehow. I don't hope for that anymore. Now I hope to find the happiness I deserve.

Contrary to popular belief, quitting can be a good thing. You have to know when to quit searching for something you will never find. You also have to know when to quit waiting for something that will never happen.

End of Random Thought

Let me share this idea with you: I already established that life is about choices. Poker tournaments are also about choices. One could say that life is like a poker tournament. There are many tables at a poker tournament and everyone is competing to make it to the final table.

In life, we all get to play the hand we are dealt. You don't get to pick your cards. The cards you get can be really bad, really good or somewhere in between. If you have a good hand you should play it, if you don't you should fold and wait for the next hand. Good poker players recognize what is a good hand and what is a bad hand. They know how and when to bet. 

I’m a decent poker player, good enough to recognize a good hand. The cards I got were the opportunity to spend a lifetime with Ananda, sharing our happiness together. I was all in and gladly bet everything I had. Ananda had the same hand and decided that she was going to fold and not play this round. It was not worth her investment. I played my hand and lost (the only way for me to win was for both of us to go all in).

Ananda is hoping that her next set of cards will be better than the last. The problem is she doesn’t even know what she wants. I don't think she is a very good poker player. Her cards with me were not too bad, I know a lot of people would happily trade cards with her if they could. You have to know the value of your current hand before raising the bet or folding. I learned that lesson playing poker, Ananda will learn it living life.

When you lose you have to leave the table. And I did leave the table. However, as I was getting up an organizer of the tournament tapped me on my shoulder and said “JP, you are a good poker player, have done well in this tournament and we would like to invite you to the final table.”

And I am ready to take it to the next level. I may have lost that round, but I intend to buy in again and win the tournament.

Subtopic #3: The Prestige

I think it is important to mention that this should be the last post were Ananda’s name will be directly mentioned. She contributed a lot to my past, but will not be contributing to my present or future. That was her decision and I have respected that decision. Moving forward, any notes and birthday cards that i received from her over the years will be unceremoniously put in a box that contains all of the ex-girlfriend stuff. She will soon join a small group of special women that were very important to me at a point in my life and now are a memory of the past, also known as the exes. I have a ton of respect for Ananda and I have never wished her bad, on the contrary I have gratitude and appreciation for the 8 amazing years we spent together. But that’s done now. 

Picture this: Since Ananda broke up with me I have been traveling on a raft on a very large river that leads to the ocean. The ocean will be great and has always been one of my happy places. I can sail, swim, bowfish, listen to music, fish, scuba and see the world.

The journey has been long and scary. I encountered levels of emotional pain I thought were only theoretical. The river has a lot of rapids and whitewater and other dangers too (oh and annoying mosquitos… everyone hates mosquitos, even mosquitos hate themselves). I don’t really have much time to rest, I couldn’t sleep and was forced to travel at night. It has rained a lot. I got physically and emotionally tired of fighting with the current and river. Sometimes I got stuck. But I have to make it to the end of the journey. Falling off the raft is okay, I just have to get back on quickly. I'm a fighter so I know I will be good. Sometimes the river calms down and the sun starts to shine, I catch my breath and enjoy the moment. When I get into the rapids, I just do my best to keep it together. My raft can hold my toolbox and a couple of passengers. Sometimes I have emotional passengers, they don’t have names but let’s call them Sadness, Emptiness, Disappointment or it could also be Joy and Excitement. Sometimes, I kick those guys out of the raft and invite actual family and friends. They will call me or write and they will keep me company in my journey. The good news is that a few days ago I finally made it to the ocean. 

So I paddled the raft one last time and beached it. The raft was good for the rapids, but for the next part of the journey I’m going to use the sailboat that is at the nearby dock. The past few days, I moved by toolbox from the raft to the sailboat and started gathering the supplies I need. 

The weather looks very favorable for sailing so the time to depart is now.

That is how I feel about my current situation with Ananda. I didn’t want to rush the journey in the river. Just go with the current and feel the way I’m supposed to feel. A few days ago I realized that it is time to move on. I treated Ananda like a princess. I offered her the best relationship I could and I opened up to show her the best I had to offer. I anticipated her needs and was prepared (for example, I would always carry an extra jacket in the car for Ananda because she was cold everywhere but refused to have her own jacket, she will probably miss that). I gave her space and freedom to grow individually. In the process I made myself vulnerable and got hurt. Hey… no victims here, I handle all my interpersonal relationships that way. If you are in my circle of family or friends you will always get the best I have to offer. Obviously, now I know that she is looking for something I don't have. Even after the breakup I think I handled things as best as possible.

Suffice it to say, I have very little to say to her. I’m convinced that everything she needs to know from me, she already heard. My actions during these past 8 years should be proof enough of what I think. I feel I did the best job I could so now I just have to heal and in time share my happiness with someone who will appreciate me for who I am and doesn’t seek to replace me because I’m not new and “shiny”.  I am a little sad that Ananda didn't value all my effort to keep things interesting, i tried to mix things up, plan trips, concerts and different adventures.

I don't think you stay in love for 50 years. I think it comes and goes and people that care for each other make it work and appreciate each other's company. Life can be tough so having good company around makes all the difference to me. In a way its like a bonfire that both people have to keep lit. I want to be with someone that will help me keep the fire on. Not someone that will leave me stranded in Europe and stomp on my fire (a fire I have been keeping on for a long time).

Start of Random Thought 

There is something humbling about bodies of water, especially those that move fast. Rapids, waves, tsunamis. It is kind of scary when you think about it.

Yes, I am going thru a lot of heartache. But lets not forget there are people out there that have actual problems, real situations much harder than mine. It is good to put things in perspective.

Most people are scary bad at describing their thoughts and emotions. They always struggle to find the words. The good thing is that ultimately you can just measure everyone by their actions. The amount of effort they put into things and what they actually value.

When the words someone says confuse me, I just ignore the words on focus on their actions. They will reveal the real story.

End of Random Thought

I have a long and hard road ahead of me still. But now I'm ready for the next phase of this journey. I'm not trying to erase 8 years of history, just make room for my new future. 

Whatever healing that is left for me to do, I'm going to do it from my metaphorical sailboat while I enjoy the view. This post has been sitting in my unpublished documents for a while. I wanted to give myself time and be accurate. I asked myself many many times: Am I ready to move on? Am i rushing it or not? and the answer is yes, I am ready for the next phase. I should also point out that moving forward is a bit scary notion. I hesitated and questioned myself but ultimately, I am a man of action and the only action left for me to do is to continue healing.

Life is about choices and I only have 3 different choices I can control, let's quickly cover them:

Choice#1: Not continue to heal. Get stuck and never move on or take considerably longer to do so. This is not a viable or healthy option.

Choice#2: Ask Ananda for a 2nd chance. A 2nd chance to do what exactly? She is the one that doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to be with someone that will not reciprocate. This is definitely not an option.

Choice#3: Move on and continue healing. Take Ananda off the pedestal and put her in the rear view mirror and embrace my new future, even if that is a scary notion. This is a hard option but the only one I really got.

The hardest part was riding the raft down here. Accepting that the girl of my dreams was not the girl of my dreams because she stopped wanting to reciprocate. Accepting all the pain that comes along with this process. And more importantly, Accepting that the future I had planned was not the best future for me.  If Ananda's intention was to not cause me too much harm, she should have put a little more effort into it. Because no matter how I say it, this just hurts a lot. I owned it. I did everything as best as I could, I don't think Ananda did. Now I will explore the ocean and the world. I will continue to improve and enjoy some rum and coke's along the way. I'm glad my sailboat has speakers because I brought a lot of good music for the ride.

(the first song I would play in my metaphorical sailboat would be Sunset by Farruko, Shaggy and Nicky Jam... the video is ok but the song is a feel good song.. good way to start the trip. link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBMsSPR9QMg)

This journey is an opportunity to be better. I will embrace it regardless of how hard things will be. Its a chance to start working on my masterpiece again.

Just let the arrow fly

I grab my recurve bow and arrows and place them in trunk of my Subaru. It’s a nice Florida day and the sun is out but there is a cold front and the temperature is very comfortable. It’s almost 11 AM and I head back into the house to pick up my gear bag and some torn pieces of paper. In each torn piece I wrote an emotion I have been feeling since my ex-fiancée broke things off. Examples include, disrespect, betrayal, confusion and frustration to name a few. It took a while to find a sharpie around the house but I finally found one. I took my time to write each word neatly.

Before heading back out I check my email one last time. It is Friday and I have some time off in the morning from work, but I want to make sure everything is good before I go out to the archery club. Everything is good at work.

I start the car and back out of the drive way. I run thru my mental checklist to make sure I have everything I need. Done. I put the car in first gear and head out. I’m in a reggaeton kind of mood, so I queue up the appropriate playlist and before I get to the end of the block I’m already jamming in my car to the latest J Balvin remix. After a short 17 minute drive, I’m now out of the city and in between farmland. Go some side streets deeper into the backwoods until I arrive at my destination, the local gun and archery club that I have been a member of for a few years. It’s a private facility and the gun ranges are normally pretty active but the archery range doesn’t get a lot of traffic (especially Friday mornings).

I swipe my badge and drive to the far end of the property. I get to the archery range and just as I suspected I have it all to myself. A few acres of dense woods with all types of paper or foam targets and a few fake animals to practice bow hunting as well.

I unload the gear and put on my brown leather glove on my shooting hand. I have had it for over a year and it has a very nice wear that conforms to my hand instantly. I grab my pieces of paper, arrows and my bow and go to one of my favorite paper targets that is a few yards into the woods. Once I get there, I place all my gear on a nearby bench and walk up to inspect my target. It is a standard bullseye target in plain black and white. The outer circle has a diameter of 12 inches with smaller circles in it. I walk back to the bench and “string” my bow. Stringing is when you set the string into the limbs and in a way you “arm” the bow. The limbs of the bow now have a very tense bowstring trying to compress their end points.

I don’t have a quiver so I grab my 12 brand new carbon fiber arrows and place them on the ground at a comfortable 25 ft away. That is a nice warm up distance for me since I haven’t shot my bow in months. Now I reach into my pocket and grab a torn piece of paper at random. I pulled out the paper that reads “Frustration” and I immediately think “oh… ok, let’s see how it goes”.

I place the paper on the ground on top of all the arrows. I then stand about 1 foot to the left of the arrows and take my stance.

My archery style is my own. My style is not Olympic, classic or instinctive (but rather a combination of all 3 that works for me).

I stand there with my feet shoulder width-apart. My left foot slightly ahead of my right foot. I bend my knees slightly and I’m holding my bow with my left arm. I take a moment to check how this position feels and it feels good, it feels familiar. I now bend over and reach for the first arrow. I read the piece of paper as I grab the arrow. I reset my stance once again. Check it once again. Yup, it feels right.

Start of Random Thought

The mind will play tricks on you sometimes. It is interesting what triggers different feelings or memories.

I didn't expect to be single again and I forgot how much fun it is to flirt around and date around. I was not afraid of rejection before and this new experience further reinforces that. I can talk to anyone about anything without hesitation.  I started my private dancing lessons and it has been fun and challenging. I also started to cook and will soon document all the family recipes, so that will keep me busy too. I'm going to add a little more training to my schedule to round up my career skills. My goal was to accomplish these over time but now I'm just going to turbocharge my pace stay busy. That seems to help. 

It also occurs to me that I should write more often. Since the break up I have been writing this blog, a different private blog and offline. In my next writing project I will use my wild imagination and random collection of facts to write a fictional short story. That should be a nice challenge.

End of Random Thought

Now comes the fun part. I lower my bow so that is it parallel to the ground and my left hand firmly grips the handle. I bring my arrow (with my right hand) to the bow orient it properly and gently place the arrow on the string and secure it.

I’m looking down and I decide to close my eyes. I think of something that frustrates me about the break up. The first thing that comes to mind is how Ananda played with my emotions. She conducted an experiment and used me as lab mice without consulting me. No consideration for me at all, like I’m a statue that lacks feelings and does not get hurt. I harness this energy and transfer it to the arrow. I can feel the frustration leaving my fingertips and loading up the arrow. I imagine that the arrows weight is increasing ever so slightly as a result of it carrying this new energy.

I grip the bow firmly and use my three middle fingers to hold the bowstring slightly below the negatively charged arrow.

I open my eyes and look up focusing on the target. Normally you would pick a place on the bullseye and project an imaginary red laser dot on the exact point you want to hit. Not today, I recognize that archery is a perishable skill so instead of a laser dot, I’m going to go for an imaginary circle that is the size of a tennis ball. Let’s be realistic here. I’m not Robin Hood or Katniss Everdeen.

I have my point of impact now, I can see it superimposed on the target. I’m ready to take the shot.

I raise my bow and twist my torso left. At the same time my right shoulder blade contracts towards my spine. My three fingers are firmly placed on the bowstring and I start feeling the resistance of the bow against my upper body. As I complete drawing the bow back, my index finger touches the right corner of my mouth. This is my normal anchor point. Having a consistent anchor point allows you to have more consistent shots. I then extend my pinky finger so that it anchors to my neck.

I aim down the arrow and line up my shot. My eyes are shifting their focus point and once I feel everything is correct, I slowly move my 3 fingers out of the way of the string. I attempt to do this in a smooth motion. This allows the bowstring to travel forward, releasing the spring like tension from the bow and transferring it into the arrow. The arrow clears the bow and it is now flying down the forest and quickly meets the target with a loud thud, like the impact of two oppositely charged refrigerator magnets slapping into each other.

I am about an inch outside of my tennis ball point of impact but that doesn’t matter because I feel great. When I released that negatively charged arrow I felt some of that emotion leaving my body. Imagery is an incredibly powerful thing. Especially when you connect emotions to physical action. This is my first time doing this type of thing and it worked. Yes!

A normal approach to this would be to write it out and then destroy or burn the piece of paper. I had a bow and thought I would make a JP variation of this type of therapy and it worked. I continued to load my emotionally charged arrows into my bow with the negative memories that were frustrating to me. Until I couldn’t think of any more frustrating memories. If you ever need it... do it.

I walked to the target and retrieved all my arrows. I placed them on the ground again and took out a new piece of paper.  “Sadness” was next up and I thought this should be easy. I shot a bunch of arrows and I did feel better. I did a few more pieces of paper and then my arm started to get tired. I retrieved all my arrows from the target for one last round.  I reached into my pocket and pulled out all the papers, I was looking for the one that read “Acceptance”.

I then repeated the process with twelve more arrows. Loading each arrow with the things that I needed to accept. Some of the arrows that I sent down range included:

“You are single now. Enjoy it”

“Life is full of change. Embrace it”

“Ananda does not want you as a life partner. You gave it your all. That’s ok”

“Ananda is not coming back.”

“Own the process and the pain that comes with it”

“Ananda took you for granted. You are a great catch.”

“She broke up with you, but you are not the one losing in this exchange”

“Re-imagine a new life, better than the one you had already planned. Execute that vision”

"You deserve better. You deserve reciprocity"

"I cannot and will not be with someone who does not want to be with me"

For those of you good at math, that is 11 arrows. Arrow number twelve will be the subject of a future blog post.

I retrieved my arrows one last time and packed everything in my car. I sat down and started to think about lunch plans. As I was driving down to the gate, I caught my reflection in the mirror and realized I was smiling for no apparent reason. Healing feels good.

My Masterpiece

Labels, labels, labels…

I think people should pay more attention to the labels they choose to embrace or buy into. I consider labels to be dangerously limiting. People may think of me as JP the computer nerd, JP the dj, Funny guy JP, travel adventure crazy JP or whatever other external label people associate with me positive or negative. There are also internal labels that automatically get assigned to you like JP the son, JP the cousin, JP from Guatemala. But really I'm just JP, without a permanent label.

Labels are a nice way to categorize people and put them in buckets. They help us describe people too. But I contend that you should not buy into the labels that are associated to you. For example, if you accept and buy into a label of being smart, you may soon think you are too smart. If you buy into the label that you are impaired or handicapped when you see yourself in the mirror, instead of seeing yourself you will see a handicapped individual. We all carry many labels at once, we should be aware of them and tear them apart. Living your life without concerns for labels gives you incredible freedom. It allows you to change your mind at any time for any reason. Contrary to popular belief, I think it is okay to contradict yourself from time to time. It is okay to share an opinion and two seconds later change your mind on that opinion or stance. It also allows you to reinvent yourself which is great. Don’t create artificial barriers that will limit how you live your short life.

Start of Random Thought

I love movies. My macbook died today, definitely not happy about that. But in a weird way, I missed my first world problems. Dealing with a breakup drains you emotionally, mentally and physically. So being able to worry about stupid things is a nice change in pace. I remember sometimes I couldn't decide if I wanted to go diving or kayaking that weekend. Now that's a real struggle.

I'm really happy for everyone that surrounds me. Ready for a lame sounding analogy? Here it goes:

Friends are like flowers. Wait for it....wait for it. Ok. That was lame. But hear me out anyways. You have a garden, hopefully its a big one and you add a bunch of flowers. Friends, like different flowers, require different attention and have different needs. Any gardener knows it takes a lot of work to keep all the flowers healthy all the time. Some friends are like cacti (plural for cactus... i love that word) they hardly need any attention. Water a few times a year and that is it. The conversation picks up were it left off after 3 years of not talking. But having a garden full of cacti is no fun, you need variety. Others are like dandelions they require a little more maintenance but not much. There are also orchids, they require a ton of work but are worth it. You can have a unlimited number of cacti in your garden but you should be mindful of how many orchids you can tend to.

Popcorn sounds like a good idea right now.

End of Random Thought

I recently talked to a good friend and she assigned me a new label that I struggled to understand but soon started to make complete sense to me.

She labeled me as an artist.

When I first heard it I completely dismissed it. I have never felt like a have a single artistic cell in my body. I have failed at many artistic pursuits in the past. I thought maybe she had read some of my writings and she was complimenting me. Nope. That was not the case either.

This particular friend is a highly skilled and accomplished artist herself. And like all great artists she has spent a lot of time honing her craft.  She basically explained to me that I’m not an artist in the fine arts but rather a different type of artist. And she would know since she is an artist.

It’s an interesting new concept to me, I thought about it afterwards and here is some of what I understood after our discussion. Let’s explore this new label shall we?

As an artist, I am always working on my art work. I’m passionate and dedicated about my art. When you are doing artwork nothing else matters, you get tunnel vision, this toxic obsession consumes you and that is all you think of.

My medium is not canvas, clay or musical notes. My medium is people. My art is all about making a positive change on someone. This can manifest in many different ways.

I use my skills and toolbox to understand a particular individual in simple basic components. I take my time to understand an individual, ask the right questions and listen.  What may not be apparent to others, is obvious to me. I pick up on the subtle hints, body language and tone inflections.  I don’t pretend to know anything and approach things carefully.  I think there are a lot of people that can do that out there. 

However, one thing I think most people struggle with is language. Specifically, the right language, words and concepts to talk about how exactly you feel and think. This is an area that I developed early in life out of necessity. I had a desire to express how I thought or felt but lacked the correct words to describe it (even with two languages). So I worked on it and developed a language that allows me to express the essence of things in a simple fashion. It is not about sounding profound or cool, it is about being efficient with words. Which is not really an uncommon skill, songs and poems do this all the time.

So it is pretty simple: To fulfill my desire to make a positive change in people, I utilize both my ability to dissect complicated stuff (in this case people) into easily digestible concepts and ability to express myself to share with them an observation or an opinion I have.  Sometimes it’s a simple compliment you give that brightens someone’s day. I do that with cashiers or people I talk to on the phone all the time (and yes sometimes I score free food and I love free food). On occasion, I share something that touches the person; maybe a feeling they have felt for years but never found the right combination of words to express it. I think that all change is good change, no matter how big or small. And just like artwork fulfills an artist, this simple action fulfills me. I do it for me, not for anyone else.

Sometimes an artist just doodles or sketches on a napkin. At times, they take on a bigger art piece that takes time to develop. To keep the analogy going, I have made a positive impact on all my ex-girlfriends and Ananda was not an exception. She was probably the recipient of the best I had to offer. I took a great person and over time made small contributions that made Ananda an even better individual. That individual does not want to be with me, but that’s okay. Things change, life happens and as I normally do I will make the best of it.

Maybe I had contributed enough to Ananda and the time came to let her go. An artist sometimes develops an obsession with his art and cannot let it go. It can take some time before the artist is comfortable letting his artwork go and that’s normal too. And the beautiful thing about art, is that once it is out there for people to consume, it does not belong to the artist anymore it belongs to humanity. And I have accepted this.

I have spent years perfecting my craft. If I consider this new label for brief moment and ask myself what is my end goal? The answer is obvious. I’m leading up to my crescendo. My masterpiece.

Is my masterpiece Ananda’s replacement? The next girl that will be wild about me and have my back no matter what? Of course not you silly! I would say ultimately my masterpiece is in a weird way me. A self-portrait were I get to apply everything I have learned, culminating in my Constant Pursuit for Growth.