I like it when things make sense. I have always been very
curious and inquisitive about human nature and behavior. Naturally, when I was
thrusted in this position, I tried to make sense of it all. Review past
history, consider as many new variables and plug them into the equation so that
I could explain what was going on. One of the reasons the news were hard to
accept was because they didn’t make sense. No one saw this coming (probably
including Ananda).
Start of Random thought
The best explanation I could find for the way Ananda was
behaving is she had finally figured out how to clone herself. But something
went wrong and now the new Ananda-clone is running the show. Listen, I have
seen enough 80’s sci-fi to know how physics work…its possible.
Ananda and I always joked about cloning ourselves so we can
send the clones out to do adult stuff and we would just go out an adventure
instead. Maybe she finally did it.
Suffice it to say, the girl I dropped off at the bus stop at
the beginning of the journey (the same girl I courted and dated and was engaged
to for 8 years) was not the same girl I met up with in the train station in
Rotterdam. The new Ananda-clone had different priorities, moral values and was
ultimately very different than the Ananda I once knew. I tried to get to know
this new Ananda-clone and was met with resistance. Time will ultimately decide
if the Ananda-clone is a better version of the original Ananda.
End of Random thought
None of that really matters now. I spent almost a week
analyzing things before I realized: “Why do I even care? And even if I do care,
not everything needs to make sense all the time”. Accepting this has helped me tremendously. I
write to heal and for perspective; in that spirit, here is an unpublished
letter I wrote to get things of my chest.
Letter
To: Ananda-clone
From: A guy who fights every day to make the current day
better than the one before.
Hi, I know we just recently met and I enjoyed traveling with
you in my first visit to Europe. Welcome to this world and take care of it, it
is a beautiful place. I’m back home now and things are better with every day
that passes. I have experienced a lot of new emotions and thoughts I wanted to
share some of those with you (after all, you are a clone and probably have not
experienced some of these emotions yet in your short life span)
Happiness: This is what I feel when I think about the last 8
years I spent with an amazing partner surrounded by family and friends. I have
a bad taste in my mouth about how that chapter was closed but the memories will
remain.
Disappointment: I’m utterly disappointed about how you decided
to end the relationship. After a great 8 years I wish I could have at least earned
your respect and you showed that respect by handling things better. Next time
you break up with someone give them the respect they deserve. Your intention may have
been pure and correct, your execution was hurtful and I deserved better.
Grief: Because I suffered a loss. When you lose something
you care about this is normal. Sadness is a natural state and I welcome its
temporary passage at this point in my life.
Failure: I didn’t fail. But this is a team sport and the
JP/Ananda team went to the final and lost the championship. We were the fan favorites
to win but if a member of the team quits in the middle of the game, it’s hard
to recover.
Relief: That I didn’t marry you. The notion of spending the
rest of my life with someone who will not fight for you (and with you) is a very
scary thing. I have built great relationships and I know when someone has your
back, they don’t give up so easily.
Excitement: The future will bring me great things. At first,
it wasn’t clear to me but that picture is coming into focus quickly. I will
continue to share my adventures with the great people that surround me.
Frustration: I’m in a tough position. I embrace the
challenge and accept that there is a long road ahead. The thing about time is, time likes to take its time. That is very frustrating.
Anger: At no one in particular. I wish I was angry at you or
me or some random stranger, but mostly I’m just angry when I recall the
emotions of disrespect and pain I felt when we broke up.
Acceptance: Of my present situation. I will always look back
and appreciate the past. My priority now more than ever is me, I’m slowly
getting my game back. I also accepted that I’m single and that’s a great thing
for a 32 year-old JP.
I have never given advice to a clone but like I said earlier,
welcome to my world and enjoy your stay here. Life is short and you should try to
make it meaningful and surround yourself with great people. Seek to make the
world better and travel safely. The world is worth preserving as you will see in your travels. Change is
inevitable and if you are given a start date you are guaranteed an end date.
Don’t be wasteful.
Start of Random Thought
It is time to eat breakfast. Sometimes I forget to eat and I
don’t like that. Oh man, Star Wars will be out soon. I’m excited about starting
a few new hobbies. If I become…. no wait… when I become president I will make
it a priority to connect all states with maglev super fast train routes. Why?
Because train travel is awesome and our train game is whack. Note to self: Avoid listening to Rage Against
the Machine for a few weeks. In my vulnerable state the songs get me a little
too pumped up for my own good. I may start a revolution.
End of Random Thought
