Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"
The quote above is the opening monologue that Sir Michael Caine's character delivers at the beginning of the movie "The Prestige" (watch it...it is entertaining and has Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale too). This blog post is not about magic, but it is about the methods that help an individual recover from a big loss. The loss could be the loss of a lover, friendship or demise of someone dear to you. Everyone has their own methods, some are better than others, here I will share mine.
There is this notion that some of the people you come in contact and have an impact in your life you can never really "get over" them. And while that may be true in a lot of cases, it will not be the case for me in this scenario. Did I love her? Yes, actually still do (8 years is a long time). Is getting over her easy? No, but it is doable. Memories will linger from time to time, but that is normal. By employing the right methods, I am on track to not only get over this situation but also doing it healthy and with style. Whats the point in doing something if you are not going to look cool? That is just a universal rule of life. All kidding aside, this is going to be hard to do.
So lets break down this magical situation:
The Pledge: This are all the years spent with that person. All the good and bad moments. Experiences shared and growth you have done together and individually. The goal of this part is to look back, evaluate the history and take away as many lessons or tools as possible. These tools will be applied in future relationships.
The Turn: This is the event that resulted on the break up or loss. As I type this, there are many people going thru my exact situation and a lot more get added to the list everyday. It's a revolving door and the goal is to get back out your way. You have to own the process and accept all the emotions that come along with it. All you have to do is hold on and accept what is going on.
The Turn: This is the event that resulted on the break up or loss. As I type this, there are many people going thru my exact situation and a lot more get added to the list everyday. It's a revolving door and the goal is to get back out your way. You have to own the process and accept all the emotions that come along with it. All you have to do is hold on and accept what is going on.
The Prestige: This is my favorite part and the hardest one as well. This starts with slow healing and , if executed properly, it results in learning some new hard lessons and ultimately a better future than before. It all sounds pretty concise and clear but we know that going thru it is actually a lot tougher than I'm making it sound.
With that in mind, here are 3 simple concepts that should be adopted (in my opinion) to lessen the blow of these hard life events. I follow these concepts every day and they have made my life more enjoyable. The secret is not in the work you do after the loss happens, but everything you do leading up to it.
Concept #1 - Never hold back
The first concept is the most important one. It is a lesson I learned when I lost my paternal grandmother. Simple lesson, people are not here forever; do things the right way NOW. We all know it, but few of us seem to put it into practice everyday.
So approach all relationships with the notion that you may lose that person at any moment for any reason. This should not manifest itself like an insecurity but rather give you a sense of urgency to express and do the things you wanted to do. Don't delay it any longer. Back to my grandmother, I was planning on going out to breakfast with her, but instead of going that day when I first saw her, I decided to put it off for a few days. Needless to say, it never happened and I learned a valuable lesson.
With Ananda, I did the best job I could do to be a complete life partner. I would assess myself periodically and adjust to be a good partner( I do this for all my relationships with people). I was successful in that pursuit. So successful in fact, that not only did a set a high bar for any of her future partners, but also for myself. I like challenges so that will not be a problem. I will continue to improve in all aspects of my life and people should approach it this way too. On the other hand, Ananda's new partner will need to be a special breed of human maybe an entirely new species. When I lost her, there were no regrets or things I wish I could have done differently. This is important because it gives you a lot of peace of mind when you need it the most. Ananda also lost me and that will have a profound impact in her life. In summary, try every day to be better than the last. Be a better brother, son, worker, mother, leader, friend, partner than the previous day.
Start of Random Thought
I was just thinking about purpose and concluded something interesting. Everything that exists has a purpose, even if the purpose is trivial. If it didn't have a purpose it would simply not exist. Let's briefly consider:
Water: Purpose is to give way to life. Secondary purpose can be frozen and added to alcoholic drinks.
Snowboard: Purpose is to allow humans to glide thru the snow while looking cool.
Plant: Purpose is to provide food source for animals. If an animal doesn't eat plants, chances are it eats an animal that eats plants.
Traffic: Purpose annoy JP
Long lines at the store: Purpose also annoy JP
Exes: Purpose reminder of the past (good or bad). Secondary purpose is an obstacle that is standing between you and your future. You get to decide how and when you surpass the obstacle.
End of Random Thought
Concept #2 - Be Self-aware
Develop a good sense of self. In other words, know yourself and where you stand. Invest time in yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Take the time to understand who you are at your core and hold on to it. Always allow room for change and improvement. If there is no opportunity to improve, create the opportunity. You should have good self-awareness and also be able to articulate it out loud. Be comfortable,accurate and confident when you describe yourself to others. This is important because in this time of change, good self awareness will allow you to change in the most positive direction. Keep the great things about you, improve them and add new ones.
Concept #3 - Live vulnerably always
Don't put your wall up because you were hurt in the past, being hurt is just part of the process. Being hurt is not fun but it is an effective way to learn. In order to live life to the fullest, we should feel vulnerable constantly. This is why traveling the world for an extended period is an effective way to learn how to live life to the fullest. Because you remove all the things(and people) that make you feel comfortable and you put yourself in new situations which inevitably results in you feeling more vulnerable (and alive). Thus, living vulnerably is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of progress and strength. Ananda (and many others) experience this when they leave to travel the world alone. They tend to experience a euphoric feeling and their perspective on things change after traveling. This is simply a result of putting yourself in a vulnerable position and fully accepting that new feeling. I am of the opinion that you should live your life vulnerably all the time. You will hurt sometimes, but you will learn. In my experience the net effect of living vulnerably is analogous to traveling solo, the takeaways are similar without the monetary cost or the amazing wordly food. Some people travel to discover themselves, others (like me) travel to explore the world and hear the stories of other people sharing the world. I really just travel to eat other people's food.
