Step into the time machine

Early morning in Prague. I am up at 7AM. It has been 4 days since my ex broke up with me. My heart is shattered like glassware that fell from a shelf into tile flooring. There are big and small pieces; they are all over the place, some I can see others I will probably find later underneath furniture later. 

I get out of my bunk and decide its time to go out for a morning stroll. See the city, take in the smells and sights. I step out the door and I have nowhere to be, no one to meet, I'm just going. I remember feeling better yesterday night, so today I just embrace the pain and try not to let it distract me. Before you know it I'm heading west on a street, the sun is at my back and im going down a small set of stairs that lead to a little park with a plaza. In a brief moment of clarity, I look down and realize that my shadow is the part of me that even light pushes away.



That's it. You can stop reading now. I got nothing left.


Its not going to get better than that today.


You are still reading.


Fine.


I'll keep going. This blog post is about some of the specifics about the actual breakup event from my perspective. I will let you experience my recollection of the event as best as I can remember. Buckle up. Hands inside the vehicle at all times and no singing. I said no singing. Lets go back in time.

Start of Random Thought

People normally say there are two sides to every story.  His and hers. I don't think of stories as a 2 dimensional object with 2 sides, I look it like a six-sided die. The sides of the die are: 

Person's A recollection of events

Person's B recollection of events

What actually happened

Person's A recollection of their feelings

Person's B recollection of their feelings

What happened in a parallel universe

End of Random Thought

2nd day we are Vienna. Ananda and I got here last night. We had plans to go to Budapest, but all trains and buses going that direction from Zagreb were cancelled as a result of the refugee crisis. So we went to Vienna by bus and got in late night. Ananda's travel gear consists of a backpack she affectionately calls "Dakota" and a mango bag she picked up in her travels thru Spain. Dakota carries all the clothes, laptop and essential gear, the mango bag has non-essentials: a book or two, hair product, a hat, emergency snacks and some other disposable stuff. Ananda left the mango bag in  a subway last night. We looked for it for 90 minutes before giving up. So the plan for the morning is to do laundry at a nearby laundromat and go to the lost & found for the Vienna metro. 

So we gather our dirty clothes and head out. The laundromat place is super nice and automated. We put in a few coins and fill up the washer. On the way in, I noticed a restaurant that was open across from the laundromat. I propose we go there for breakfast instead of waiting. It turns out the place serves Serbian food. We have a good meal and halfway thru I go put the previously dirty linens into the drier. Ananda and I have a nice pleasant interaction. Conversation is flowing good, although the Ananda sitting across from me is not the same Ananda I left in a bus stop in Florida when her journey started. We share laughs, I have a knack for making Ananda smile and I use that a lot. She will probably miss all my goofy attempts at making her smile.

And I will probably miss her smile; her smile always made my days better. We fold our clothes and drop them off back at the hostel.

We now head out to the lost and found and then explore the city. We have a 24 hour metro pass so we go via subway to the main hub. Find lost & Found Department but had no luck finding the mango bag. We get a business card with information on how to retrieve it later. 

We decide to continue exploring the city. One conversation leads to another and things start to tense up. We left some unfinished conversation in Croatia and in order to get past it, I have to ask Ananda some tough questions and she has to give me some tough answers back. Questions give rise to more questions and it is clear to me that Ananda may have been intentionally vague in the past and even lied about other things. Now. Now I'm really worried. Ananda has never lied to me. If she felt compelled to lie it was for a reason. I dig deeper. She resists and puts up the defenses. I would normally navigate the conversation carefully, avoiding subjects that are touchy and maneuvering around them deftly like a knight on a chess board. I push the pace a little. I'm controlling the conversation but I get resistance everywhere I go. Ananda is frustrated and out of energy. She seems confused and a little panicked. I see that she is now looking for a way out. We are underground in one of the subway station stops. Nobody around just me and her. She tells me that we should go our separate ways and explore the city individually. Her plan is to call family and friends and figure out if she wants to end the relationship tonight or not. The plan is to meet at the hostel in the evening.

I leave Ananda there and hop on the next train. As soon as the door closes, I knew our relationship is gone. Its not my decision to make, all I have to do is show up. I check the map and pick a location to explore at random. I don't care where, I just want to be somewhere else. My mind hasn't registered it yet. The following 8 hours I spend eating, riding some carnival rides, talking to friends and going to the Vienna Opera house to watch Macbeth after scoring incredibly cheap 4 Euro standing tickets. 

Leave the opera and head back to the slaughter house. I don't panic often. It makes me good at my job and probably good at leading. I don't feel any panic. I go up to the hostel room, Ananda is there on her computer smiling like she is looking at cat videos. Her smile gives me a false sense of security. I propose we go to the lobby to talk so we have some privacy because our roommates are there.

We find a quiet spot in a room adjacent to the lobby. 

She tells me the news, tells me she has never been in love with me or anyone else. She doesn't look forward to our wedding day, instead she looks at it like a deadline. Every passing sentence is harder and harder to hear. I sink in slowly...deeper and deeper into a sadness I have never felt before with every passing moment. The conversation lasted 7 minutes or so. We sat side by side. I was in shock and devastated. I was not prepared for this. I tried to keep my chin up but couldn't. I don't think I failed, but it did feel like failure. I remember saying very little. I wanted to appreciate the moment and the silence. I had very little to say while my brain was able to process all this. After what felt like 30 minutes of silence, I tell her I'm going to go to a little bar I saw down the street. I need a drink to calm my nerves.

She asked me if she could come with me. I said sure. We walk 3 minutes to the place, its cold outside...very cold. I could be standing there in a water-soaked bathing suit and I wouldn't have felt the temperature. I felt numb. 

We go inside the bar and I notice the top 40 playlist playing at a medium volume. Most of the tables are occupied with people chatting, drinking and most smoking. I notice a flight of stairs and head that way. Upstairs is empty. Twenty something pool tables and only another couple playing. I ask for the table on the opposite end of the room. 

I don't want to play. But maybe it will help distract. I ask the attendant for a Jameson double neat and a glass of water for Ananda. The attendant turns the light above the table as we approach it. I'm setting up the game and I recall not feeling the texture of the items I was touching. My brain is trying to process what just happened. 

I take a sip of my drink, not sure if I want to drink but I'm going for it anyways. My hands are shaking and the reality of our relationship ending is sinking in. I'm devastated, this is the worst I have felt in a long time. The game started 3 minutes ago. I have already taken two shots without paying attention. I try to focus on the game but can't. 

Instead I notice Ananda, standing there. Her pool cue in her hand. She is smiling from ear to ear. A smile of relief, the smile when you get when a burden gets lifted from your shoulders. I realize that her burden was being with me. I can't help sinking deeper and deeper into sadness. The same smile that once brought my joy, now brings me pain.

Face the music

I like the title of this blog post. I’m not sure what the origin of the expression “Face the music” is, but it’s a powerful expression that really requires no explanation.  It’s simply time to accept something unpleasant. And that’s what this blog post is about. I would prefer not to write about it, but I think it’s important to just get it done. That’s what you do with unpleasant tasks, you just power thru them. You don’t have to like it, you just have to get it done.

Start of Random thought

Earlier today I reread something I wrote and realized I need to make a quick correction. On a few occasions I referred to Ananda as the “girl of my dreams”. And this is simply not accurate. In my dreams, the girl of my dreams actually reciprocates and wants to be with me.  That’s not meant to be hurtful, it’s supposed to be accurate. I thought she was, but in reality Ananda was really close to being that girl, she was missing that one key ingredient.

End of Random thought

Let’s talk about some unpleasant things I had to face when I got back.

Unpleasant thing #1

While I was exploring Vienna by myself it occurred to me that one of the hardest part of losing Ananda is actually losing constant contact with her family. Ananda’s family is nothing short of amazing. I look at her parents, aunts and cousins as if they were my parents, aunts and cousins. We have vacationed together multiple times a year, celebrated together, grieved together and basically just laughed a lot. I have built some amazing relationships with them and I know they love me as much as I do them.

Seeing them again was hard. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say. I didn’t have a planned speech. I just wanted them to know that I love them no matter what (just as if they were my family). Throughout this experience they have showed me a lot of support. It was truly my honor and pleasure to be in their company for 8 years. I’m grateful they welcomed me as part of their tight-knit family and I hope they enjoyed my company as well.

The fact that Ananda and I broke up will definitely change my relationship with their family. I will not see them as often and probably will not have as much quality time as we once enjoyed. But for now, Ananda is traveling the world and will not be back for a while, so we will be able to share more time together.

Unpleasant thing #2

Going to work and talking about the incidents with coworkers.  I was normally bragging about how awesome my relationship was and how great Ananda is (Ananda is a great person, just not one that wants me in her life). Some of them knew the news, others knew I was meeting my fiancée in my European travels so when they asked I naturally shared the sad news. 

Prior to my departure I was really looking forward to seeing Ananda and talked about it quite a bit. Little did I know that Ananda was across the pond, already with doubts and considering terminating the relationship.  I didn’t travel across the ocean to be ambushed and have my heart broken(that was not my plan).  Sometimes things happen you can’t control and that’s ok with me. I know my close coworkers care and my wound is still fresh… so that was unpleasant.

Unpleasant thing #3

Telling my family. Boy, oh boy. That was hard. Remember her family loves me? Well my family liked her too. I’m pretty sure a lot of tears were shed as a result of our split. My family was really attached to her and thought she was a perfect match for this super-quirky, medium fat guy. Plus they were pretty excited about the wedding and for JP, the last of the unmarried offspring, to finally find a worthwhile girl to share life with.

Start of Random Thought

I hope Ananda did not rush her decision. I really hope she thought about it good and hard. It would suck to look back and regret it. I think a lot of women have gone thru a similar experience as Ananda. Cold feet maybe? Or just want to try a different type of guy? Finding themselves? Or just the high of traveling the world? Recently, a lot of women have shared their perspective with me on similar experiences and 100% of them tried to go back to the guy they left. Some people have this curiosity or constant dissatisfaction, I think it makes them think the grass is greener on the other side. And sometimes the only way to figure it out is to go and do that other thing you are curious about. That is the only way to satisfy the curiosity.

I hope she finds someone better than me or whatever else she is looking, but more importantly she finds happiness. I don't even think she knows what she wants. I doubt she will find someone that will understand her better, nourish her better, respect and admire or work as hard as I did to make her happy.  It also occurs to me that I will need to step up my game for the next girl that deserves to be treated right. Time to work on myself some.

End of Random Thought

Being back home helps me feel better. Driving my MR2 makes my sadness go away (something about turbos and rear-wheel drive cars). Everyone’s support and notes are great. I have lows and highs every day. I don’t like my position, but I’m happy to have my fully stocked ToolBox to get my thru this.

The anatomy of a seemingly perfect relationship. Where is the key?

I look at everything the same way. Regardless of the degree of complexity of the machine or problem ahead, I just break it down to its basic core components. I isolate each individual component and evaluate how it works.

8 years with someone is a long time. I’m 32 years-old now. So I was basically with Ananda for a 4^th of my current lifetime. 8 great years. If from the outside they seemed good, let me tell you they were better than that. I literally could trust Ananda with my life (and did).  Deep scuba diving and cavern diving that’s basically what you are doing. No complaints or regrets from my part.

Even after we broke up, Ananda always concluded I was the perfect guy (for her). She said I did everything right and set the bar high for whoever is next in her dating life.  I’m glad she feels this way because I sincerely gave it my best effort.

Dating Ananda was hard from the day one, but it was worth the extra effort. Why was it hard? For a lot of reasons, but I was able to compensate and develop techniques to make the best out of it. Given the opportunity to do it all over again, would I change some things? Probably, but the outcome would have likely repeated itself. Ultimately, I’m not the right guy for her despite being the perfect guy (for her). It sounds sarcastic but it’s not. The decision was hers and it was based on how she felt. Ananda is probably one of the lowest maintenance person you will meet. She needs air, food, an iphone, 9 hours of sleep and hot showers.  That’s it.

I could write an entire dissertation on how Ananda works, in many cases I know her better than even herself.  That is not my intent, I just worked hard at it and gained a lot knowledge. For the next girl that comes around and is worthy, I will do it better and hopefully find some reciprocity.

Start of Random Thought

Its 4 AM. Sleeping has been hard since we broke up, but being in my bed and having fast wifi does feel great. This blog is supposed to be about loss not sadness. Obviously some of the topics are sad or hard to talk to in nature. BUT I know with a high degree of confidence that in the not too distant future, things will be better than they have ever been.

End of Random Thought

I found how to make her happy and how to make the relationship work. Our healthy relationship met its demise in 2015 for two primary simple reasons.

Let’s break it down to very basic simple components. This is what I concluded after several conversation after we broke up. Let’s start with some metrics:

• Number of complaints during the entire relationship: zero
• Number of fights: zero
• Number of happy moments: too many to count
• Amount of effort from JP to Ananda: 110%. Yes, it is mathematically possible to better than 100%.
• Amount of effort from Ananda to JP: Hard to quantify. Somewhere between 50% and 65%. That’s the average, sometimes higher sometimes a lot lower. I don’t regret trying, that’s the best I could do.

Start of Random Thought

One sided relationships are not uncommon, I have been on both sides. Ananda and I complimented each other well. We are both very low maintenance. Have similar views on many subjects. We were very supportive of each other in our careers. And to some degree similar plans for the future. I could have easily seen my life with her. Now I am glad we didn’t get married. I deserve a girl that says:

“JP you are a little crazy and thats ok. My life is better with you in it.”

Pretty simple. That person will get me, appreciate me and my efforts and understand that one short lifetime spent in great company is BETTER than 100 lifetimes with mediocre relationships with people. Life is short, surround yourself with people that make you smile and bring happiness into your life.

 End of Random Thought

Let’s breakdown the events:

Catalyst for the break up: The proposal. Ananda began questioning if her reasons to get married were valid. That’s natural and should not be ignored

Traveling the World: The original purpose of the trip was two-fold. 

1. develop a mobile phone app. 
2. Become a better person. 

The app hasn’t gotten much traction but I can tell you Ananda has grown a lot. This growth compounded with doubts on marriage ultimately lead to Ananda’s decision. I think we both know she would have concluded the same even without the trip.

In a post break conversation, I asked “What could I have done better?”

Her answer- ”Absolutely nothing, you excelled.”

So was it a compatibility issue? Nope. Anyone who knows us separately or together knows that it was not faked. We were genuinely compatible and attracted to each other.

Ananda appeared to be so well put together, I failed to see what today is very clear to me. Ananda needed to do a lot more growing than I had calculated. She was not immature, but she needed to grow in a different path, a direction that would fundamentally change her, which I can both respect and appreciate.

This a legitimate fear for people who are dating: Dating a person typically in their 20’s that will change drastically before they reaches 30. It’s normal.

If we break them down here are the two simple reasons our relationship work. This is my conclusion as best as I understand it today:

#1 Ananda’s Nature: Unicorns are not meant to be caged. Ananda is a free spirit. Unicorns don’t get married for a reason. She is also super selfish. Luckily for her, I used to be. So I understood. I try to balance things. She daydreams a lot. 80% of the time she is somewhere else, deep in thought. She also doesn’t like sharing opinions. In a social context she shares very little because she doesn’t value sharing her opinion. This combination of attributes results in anybody who has a relationship with Ananda to get no feedback at all. Even those individuals that she considers her closest friends and family get very little voluntary feedback. As a result, I got little to no feedback and instead of just sitting and waiting for things to change, I solved by asking the right questions.

#2 Ananda’s wall: Previous experiences told Ananda that she should keep her walls up. Her emotional walls were up the entire time. I think its time for an analogy:

Great girls who are worthwhile are like small houses that are located in remote forests and also at the top of mountains. Sounds lame right? Hang on, I’m going deep and weird with this.

For a guy to get to this house, he was to endure a hard or long journey. The house is after all very far away. But a good guy recognize that it’s worth the hike. So he will hike and climb regardless of the weather.

He arrives at the location and the house is just as beautiful as he pictured it from far away. He inspects the outside and likes it even more. And a great girl, like a great house is locked. The key is hidden nearby so he decides to look around and do some yard work in process. His goal is gain access to the house. Finding the key will require time, effort and a little help, clues the house gives you.

So he peaks inside the windows, looks in the mailbox. The house is a great house and it’s not going to let anyone in just because he made the journey. He has to earn it. In most cases, after some time the guy earns the key and goes into the house and meets a girl with a great heart inside.

Ananda is one of the best houses on the volcano. One problem, there are 3 locks and not a single key. I didn’t know there was no key. You get no feedback on where to look, so naturally I looked everywhere. I stood in front of every window and looked at every detail of the house. I know it like the back of my hand. I have wiring schematics on it, floor plans, etc. I know everything about this house, inside and out. I know the house better than owner. But no key. Ananda never intended to let me in, so I never did. 

Being heartbroken sucks. Now what?

I feel like something is missing. I checked my pockets and found my wallet, keys and phone all in place (including the square inch of bacon I carry in my wallet in case of emergency). I got my watch on and did a quick armpit check. Smells fresh.

Yes of course, Ananda is missing. When she told me she didn’t want to be with me- I lost a best friend, a fiancée, my scuba diving buddy, dance and movie date, belay partner, cuddle buddy, kayaking companion and a person I enjoy sharing my victories, defeats, adventures and meals. Losing someone you care about has consequences… this one sucks a lot.

My initial impulse was to cut all communication with Ananda and push forward aggressively. To heal quicker, since this method has worked great for me in the past. Then I realized that in past occasions, I was the one doing the dumping and not to the girl of my dreams. Crap. I need to rethink how to handle this the best way possible.

I enjoy a challenge and I’m a natural problem solver, I need to handle this like I do everything else. Recipe is below:

3 Tablespoons of positivism.

2 Tablespoons of critical thinking.

4 tablespoons of action.

A dash of humor.

Mix all items in a tall glass, add rum and coke.

I wish it would work that way. In practice staying positive all the time is hard. I do have something going for me. I’m already a positive person, have been for years and if I can give you one take away from this blog post is that Positivism has momentum. I have been building that momentum for a long time.

Allow me to postulate the following: If you are never or rarely ever positive is hard to get in that mode. Once you make it a habit you are constantly stacking positive behavior on each other.

Back to the plan. First thing is first. Stay positive. Done. It will be easier some days and harder at times. I will take it day by day and allow my emotions to just happen.

Next up, next up is going to my ToolBox. This is of course my metaphorical ToolBox. We are all born with an empty one. It is similar to the one your dad or grandfather has (with screw drivers, hammers, pliers, partially complete socket set and rusted framing nails). Your parents are typically responsible for giving you your first basic tools and then it’s your responsibility to continue to add new tools. Life tools is what we are talking about. Most of us have them, I just like analogies and think of them as actual tools. If you are living life properly it will organically produce all the tools you could ever need, you just need to open your eyes and evaluate things from time to time. I can probably write a whole book on this subject (and maybe one day I will).

I was blessed with great parents; parents that filled my ToolBox with all kinds of tools for almost anything that life could throw my way. I have added a bunch too. My trusty ToolBox has developed well. I’m thinking of adding a Bluetooth speaker to it, so I can have tunes with me. Want an example of a tool handed down my mom? Sure.  Here it goes:

Conflict Resolution Tool: Simple little tool. I use it when I get into a fight with someone I care about. It doesn’t happen often (thankfully) but it does happen. My mom had a stern talk with me at around twelve or so that basically said: “It’s okay to fight, but forgive quickly. You love your brothers and they love you back, life is too short.” She may not remember the talk but I remember exactly where it happened and what I was wearing. I’m always looking for lessons and tools. This was one of them.

I have several tools that will help me recover from this break up. There are several that I could use maybe mix and match some. But this is a special circumstance and it requires a special tools. So I go to the bottom drawer of my ToolBox, everything is neatly organized in there and I know exactly what tool I need. I’m going to use my biggest, best tool to get this done.

My family and friends. That’s my go to. My duct tape. I can fix just about everything with it. I’m fortunate to have a great supportive family that is massive and spread across the world. I also have cultivated very special friendships over the years. They have my back just like my family does. I was in Vienna when Ananda broke up with me. A short little post on social media gave me all the support I needed. The amount of emails, posts, comments, videos, photos and phone calls was overwhelming. And it felt good when I needed it the most. I wandered the streets by myself and as soon as I would start to get a little lonely another message would chime in. It was great. I also know that several of those friends would have flown to be with me there to help if I needed it (not a lot of people can say that). Several offered to come visit or invited me to stop in their European homes. I will be forever grateful. People care.

 So I will surround myself with friends, share more moments with them and take it day by day. I look forward to the day I will look back at this incident like another milestone in my past.

Final take away: Consider developing your ToolBox. Specially your network of friends and family. Have good meaningful relationships. How? Open up to people, make yourself a little vulnerable.  Ananda and I had a brief talk on this after the break up. After years of talking to her about the value of improving her relationships with other people, I think now she gets it and she will use the break up to strengthen some of those relationships. I’m happy she is working on herself and trying to be a better person. I take comfort in knowing I helped an already great person become better.

By the way, want to be a kick-ass parent? Play with your kids and give them tools. 

Some decisions are harder than others

Some decisions are harder than others. For the record, picking a restaurant to eat should not be one. The harder the decision, the bigger the reward or consequence.

Consider the following scenario:

• You have to tell the person you loved for a long time that you are no longer in love with them. 
• You know this will break them completely. 
• Because this person has always made it a point to make you feel like the most special person in the world. 
• That person spent 8 years with you and never took you for granted, never let their guard down. That person probably gave you more attention that you think you deserved. They knew they could have lost you at any time. 

So this person (me) did the best job he could at trying to build a good, fun relationship and make the other person’s life better too. And to some degree, I was successful in that pursuit.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for Ananda (my ex) to make this decision. 8 years without a fight. In my estimation, 8 great years filled with great memories and laughter (she feels the same way as I do on this). I’m sure you would experience a lot of doubt. I know it must have been very hard.

I can tell you that hearing the news was supremely hard to me. It was a big big blow. The kind that come out of nowhere and surprises you; you blink and now you are on the ground. First thing that comes to mind is “what just happened?” and then things get less fuzzy and before you can feel any pain or sadness can be felt, your consciousness forms one clear sentence “That's it. You lost the girl you loved”.

This is the part of the story when the animated minion construction crew backs up the big Tonka truck full of pain that overwhelms you. Very very hard stuff to hear and to experience. However, that wasn’t the hardest thing. The hardest thing came almost immediately after that terrible punch to the face.

So now the question is: what was that even harder thing? It is in fact the hardest decision I have ever personally made.

The hardest part of this scenario is that I had to just sit there and accept it. Not argue. Don’t ask why. Don’t beg for second chances. I consider briefly seeing if I could somehow save the relationship. But I discarded that idea quickly. She made a big decision and I need to respect it. She is seeking happiness and growth. My intention was not to take the “high road” or “be the better person”.  My intention was simply make sure that my actions match my words and that is something I will never regret.

I loved the girl. I truly want what is best for her. Even if that means that she doesn’t want me in her life.  I didn’t let her go because there is a chance she might return. On the contrary, I did it because I knew she probably would never come back. Now that ladies and gentlemen, that’s hard. 

Hello World

Hello world. That introduction is a little ironic. When you are learning how to “code” in a new computer language the first exercise in most books is generate a program that outputs “Hello World” to the screen. This helps the student familiarize themselves with the basic syntax and structure for the new programming language.

In a similar way, I need to rebuild myself and continue to grow.  First thing is first: I need to go back to basics and continue to channel my energy positively.  I love writing. It has always felt good and I think it will be a critical tool to continue my development. So this blog is a way for me to share my thoughts with anyone.

I suspect that at some point in the future, I will look back at these blog posts and synthesize its content into something meaningful (the start of a book perhaps). For now they are just my musings and thoughts in written form. Some of you may be wondering “what was the catalyst that prompted you to start this blog?”  Great question. Like all great blogs that are not about photography, travel or cats this one is about loss. Specifically losing someone you love. In fact, you love them so much you accept their decision and watch them walk away. More on this later.  So for now I’m writing as a form of therapy. I will attempt to be deliberately concise and include random thoughts from time to time.

So here is a brief recap (in case you are just tuning in):

I’m JP. A guy. Some may consider me average and others special. There are a lot of adjectives that can be used to describe me. Common positive adjectives others have used to describe me include: thoughtful, driven, positive, hard-working, funny, overweight but in a good way (if there is such a thing). If I were to liken myself to an inanimate object (because it’s amusing and a fun game to play…try it out sometime) I would be like glue.  I think I join people together and make strong bonds between them and myself. You can add me to any existing group of people (or objects) and I will normally improve the dynamics and relationships. It’s weird, I know.

Start of Random thought

 It is my opinion that most guys are pretty much the same. In fact, only two things make us      different from other guys out there. #1 Our passions; #2 Our insecurities.

 Girls are like onions, parfaits and ogres: They have layers.

 Anyways, back to the recap

End of Random thought

I’m always enjoying life to the fullest.  I like to live life efficiently. I have very little time for waste. I don’t settle. As a result, I spent my dating years looking for the perfect girl and never really finding her. A lot girls came close but I wanted someone I could admire. That’s what is important to me. I want to find a life companion I can admire.  Here is why I think it is important: because it’s a good measure of how much that person has developed in their life. You admire someone because they are good at certain things and that probably comes from working hard at it. With admiration also comes respect and attention (both very important elements in a successful relationship). Other important elements like good communication and trust are developed over time.

I found a seemingly perfect girl that I admired and spent the last 8 years in her company because I knew that my life was better with her in it.  I knew I had the potential to be a great life companion and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. So now, I needed to convince her that her life could be better with me in it. And for 8 years, every day, I attempted to prove to her that I was worthy of her attention, company and love.

Six days ago, my fiancée then (ex fiancée now) told me she wanted to break things up and it now feels like this roller coaster we call life just took a hard turn left and for some reason I don’t see any more tracks ahead. Now I write to heal, share and make sense of things.