I look at everything the same way. Regardless of the degree
of complexity of the machine or problem ahead, I just break it down to its basic
core components. I isolate each individual component and evaluate how it works.
8 years with someone is a long time. I’m 32 years-old now.
So I was basically with Ananda for a 4th of my current lifetime. 8
great years. If from the outside they seemed good, let me tell you they were
better than that. I literally could trust Ananda with my life (and did). Deep scuba diving and cavern diving that’s basically
what you are doing. No complaints or regrets from my part.
Even after we broke up, Ananda always concluded I was the
perfect guy (for her). She said I did everything right and set the bar high for
whoever is next in her dating life. I’m
glad she feels this way because I sincerely gave it my best effort.
Dating Ananda was hard from the day one, but it was worth
the extra effort. Why was it hard? For a lot of reasons, but I was able to
compensate and develop techniques to make the best out of it. Given the opportunity
to do it all over again, would I change some things? Probably, but the outcome
would have likely repeated itself. Ultimately, I’m not the right guy for her
despite being the perfect guy (for her). It sounds sarcastic but it’s not. The
decision was hers and it was based on how she felt. Ananda is probably one of the
lowest maintenance person you will meet. She needs air, food, an iphone, 9
hours of sleep and hot showers. That’s it.
I could write an entire dissertation on how Ananda works, in
many cases I know her better than even herself.
That is not my intent, I just worked hard at it and gained a lot
knowledge. For the next girl that comes around and is worthy, I will do it better
and hopefully find some reciprocity.
Start of Random Thought
Its 4 AM. Sleeping has been hard since we broke up, but
being in my bed and having fast wifi does feel great. This blog is supposed to
be about loss not sadness. Obviously some of the topics are sad or hard to talk
to in nature. BUT I know with a high degree of confidence that in the not too
distant future, things will be better than they have ever been.
End of Random Thought
I found how to make her happy and how to make the relationship
work. Our healthy relationship met its demise in 2015 for two primary simple
reasons.
Let’s break it down to very basic simple components. This is
what I concluded after several conversation after we broke up. Let’s start with
some metrics:
- Number of complaints during the entire relationship: zero
- Number of fights: zero
- Number of happy moments: too many to count
- Amount of effort from JP to Ananda: 110%. Yes, it is mathematically possible to better than 100%.
- Amount of effort from Ananda to JP: Hard to quantify. Somewhere between 50% and 65%. That’s the average, sometimes higher sometimes a lot lower. I don’t regret trying, that’s the best I could do.
Start of Random Thought
One sided relationships are not
uncommon, I have been on both sides. Ananda and I complimented each other well.
We are both very low maintenance. Have similar views on many subjects. We were
very supportive of each other in our careers. And to some degree similar plans
for the future. I could have easily seen my life with her. Now I am glad we
didn’t get married. I deserve a girl that says:
“JP you are a little crazy and thats ok.
My life is better with you in it.”
Pretty simple. That person will
get me, appreciate me and my efforts and understand that one short lifetime
spent in great company is BETTER than 100 lifetimes with mediocre relationships
with people. Life is short, surround yourself with people that make you smile
and bring happiness into your life.
End of Random Thought
Let’s breakdown the events:
Catalyst for the break up: The proposal.
Ananda began questioning if her reasons to get married were valid. That’s natural
and should not be ignored
Traveling the World: The original
purpose of the trip was two-fold.
- develop a mobile phone app.
- Become a better person.
The app hasn’t gotten much traction but I can tell you Ananda
has grown a lot. This growth compounded with doubts on marriage ultimately lead
to Ananda’s decision. I think we both know she would have concluded the same
even without the trip.
In a post break conversation, I
asked “What could I have done better?”
Her answer- ”Absolutely nothing,
you excelled.”
So was it a compatibility issue?
Nope. Anyone who knows us separately or together knows that it was not faked. We
were genuinely compatible and attracted to each other.
Ananda appeared to be so well put together, I
failed to see what today is very clear to me. Ananda needed to do a lot more
growing than I had calculated. She was not immature, but she needed to grow in a different path, a direction that would fundamentally change her, which I can both respect and appreciate.
This a legitimate fear for people who
are dating: Dating a person typically in their 20’s that will change drastically
before they reaches 30. It’s normal.
If we break them down here are the two simple reasons our
relationship work. This is my conclusion as best as I understand it today:
#1 Ananda’s Nature: Unicorns are not meant to be caged. Ananda
is a free spirit. Unicorns don’t get married for a reason. She is also super
selfish. Luckily for her, I used to be. So I understood. I try to balance things. She daydreams a lot. 80% of the time she is
somewhere else, deep in thought. She also doesn’t like sharing opinions. In a
social context she shares very little because she doesn’t value sharing her
opinion. This combination of attributes results in anybody who has a
relationship with Ananda to get no feedback at all. Even those individuals that she
considers her closest friends and family get very little voluntary feedback. As
a result, I got little to no feedback and instead of just sitting and waiting
for things to change, I solved by asking the right questions.
#2 Ananda’s wall: Previous experiences told Ananda that she
should keep her walls up. Her emotional walls were up the entire time. I think
its time for an analogy:
Great girls who are worthwhile are like small houses that
are located in remote forests and also at the top of mountains. Sounds lame
right? Hang on, I’m going deep and weird with this.
For a guy to get to this house, he was to endure a hard or
long journey. The house is after all very far away. But a good guy recognize
that it’s worth the hike. So he will hike and climb regardless of the weather.
He arrives at the location and the house is just as
beautiful as he pictured it from far away. He inspects the outside and likes it
even more. And a great girl, like a great house is locked. The key is hidden
nearby so he decides to look around and do some yard work in process. His goal
is gain access to the house. Finding the key will require time, effort and a little
help, clues the house gives you.
So he peaks inside the windows, looks in the mailbox. The
house is a great house and it’s not going to let anyone in just because he made
the journey. He has to earn it. In most cases, after some time the guy earns
the key and goes into the house and meets a girl with a great heart inside.
Ananda is one of the best houses on the volcano. One problem, there
are 3 locks and not a single key. I didn’t know there was no key. You get no
feedback on where to look, so naturally I looked everywhere. I stood in front
of every window and looked at every detail of the house. I know it like the
back of my hand. I have wiring schematics on it, floor plans, etc. I know everything about this house,
inside and out. I know the house better than owner. But no key. Ananda never intended
to let me in, so I never did.
